day 46: i am still screaming at this piece of shit ugly snail on my lawn. it will not flinch, i will not give up. my love life is in shambles and i have every disease.
i am making my way through the supermarket, when a small puppy grazes my leg as i’m passing it by. suddenly i become so overwhelmed with emotion that i collapse into a year-long coma, spilling bags of ravioli all through the aisles. i have reached happiness. let me die here
wow, fucked up nintendo. i reach a secret level on the new super bros game only to see yoshi and his children feasting on mario’s corpse??? i must say i will never look at that dinosaur the same again. a little pissed of to be honest
i do not think yoshi is christian
children, children… gather round i have something very important to tell you.
you see, marriage is a very complicated thing and sometimes people change, things dont always go to plan. today, your mother and i have finally reached an agreement.
she told me: “i had no idea how brilliant you are at kick flipping. i love you more than our children”
anyway, kids you have 3 days to pack your shit and get out
mr president sir, one last question before you go. i smell like a fucking horse and my love life is just woeful
reblog if your kink is also sneaking into the reptile enclosure on the night the moon shines brightest and allowing them to slowly crawl over your begging, naked body
i cant believe i’ve been alive for well over 6000 years trapped in a realm between reality and fantasy hearing nothing but the deafening screams of my fallen loved ones… and people still think gay marriage is an issue???
matt was the average man. *record scratch* that was until the day he found out he gets off to the noise of records scratching *record scratch* *record scratch* *record scratch* UHHH UHH UHJHHHrtgkjsa
i would like to send my congratulations to jason collins for being the first ever NBA player to openly shove porridge in his dickhole. real bravery. i hope everyone in the dressing room will not look at him differently. we are moving forward
today i found a hedgehog on the side of the road i went to give it a handshake and feed it my sandwich and it turned gold and rolled down the street at an incredible speed. why is the liberal media ignoring this
hello is this the internet. is this where web content is found? i want to create and distribute my own original content for my personal brand. i am ready to blog because the internet is fun. what is ebay. can i buy frogs on ebay
people say ants are strong but they are so wrong i smash their little nerd faces. i kicked dirt in one’s eye and it chased me. i was screaming and running at the time but i think we all know i am stronger than you ant. i hope you are reading this. please leave me alone i am a good man
every morning i go into the bathroom and shave my entire face off, skin and all. my bathroom is plastered in blood stains. beauty comes at a price but i am living the dream. [dunks face in a pool of lemon juice] i am a model
